Terror Planet

Bear attacks boys

2005-09-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

More evidence of humans encroaching into our terrain: a grizzly bear attacked and harmed two young boys as they explored the swamp near their parents' home. Apparently the bear had pity on the young humans and let them live, likely as a reminder to the elder humans that it's time to get out.

"Mad deer" disease hits West Virginia

2005-09-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

Home of the rifle-toting, hunting hicks is now a new battleground for the martyr deer who are out to spread their brain wasting disease among the states that like to eat them. A road-killed deer in West Virginia tested positive for what is being called Chronic Wasting Disease (CWD) among the humans.
Eat up, folks.

Cat attacks in Maryland

2005-09-14T21:14:00.000-04:00

A spate of cat attcks has caused concern in the Annapolis area of Maryland. Recently, three people were attacked by angry felines.
Naturally, "rabies" was blamed. And to the we say, thanks for the alibi.

Sea lions terrorize Newport Harbor

2005-09-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

Sea lions have infiltrated Newport Harbor in California and are committing all kinds of vandalism, most recently sinking the $24,000 50-foot sailboat of some human. Residents complain that the sea lions bark all night long, and the city received a report that a rogue sea lion tipped over a mother and her child in their kayak. City officials are considering asking the City Council to make it illegal to feed the sea lions.
They don't want your damn food.

New Orleans is ours

2005-08-30T19:05:00.000-04:00

Thank you "Katrina".
We are moving in, and we're bringing our poisonous snake friends with us. Just try to come back and get your shit.

Black bear kills Canadian man

2005-08-28T12:29:00.000-04:00

The bear attacks continue to mount this summer, this time in Manitoba, where a 69 year-old man was mauled and killed while picking plums. One official told the newspaper: "For years, we've been advising the public that when they encounter a bear, to always assume it's a predatory bear and to always fight back."
Ha!

"The leopards and bears are on the prowl and we don’t know what to do”

2005-08-28T12:24:00.000-04:00

In Kashmir, more than 10 people have been killed and 20 others injured by wild animals this year, mostly bears and leapords. "Encroachment" on our territory has been blamed.
This is true, but that's not the only reason.

"I was standing there screaming, covered in blood"

2005-08-27T15:10:00.000-04:00

A Boston newspapers reports that "animal officers are on the lookout for wildlife behaving suspiciously" after a fox attacked a woman and bit her 13 times.
Once again, they explain it away as "rabies".

Vicious beaver attacks girl

2005-08-27T15:05:00.000-04:00

Once again, "rabies" is being blamed for the random violence that animals are bringing on humans, this time by a beaver who went after a small child. The state will apparently "destroy" the entire community of beavers as a result.
Not without a fight.

Cougar victim spared

2005-08-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

Some dumb bitch who was attacked by a cougar on her own porch seems to have found it to be a life-affirming experience. She and her husband have nbot moved, though. According to the article, "She said even though Jesse, their 13-year-old shepherd-husky mix was lying next to her chair at the time, there was no warning from the dog."
Someone might call that stealth on the part of the cougar. We call it complicity on the part of the dog.

We apologize for our hiatus

2005-08-26T15:09:00.000-04:00

We've been underground, planning the Revolution.

Primate virus jumps to humans

2005-07-14T16:59:00.000-04:00

Success! Scientists have identified the first reported case in Asia of primate-to-human transmission. In this test case by our crack virus team, we used the harmless "simian foamy virus" just to see that it can work. Now that we know it does we can proceed to some of the nastier ones, namely HIV and its cousins. After doing such good work in Africa, we're proud of our team's work and look forward to the infestation of Asia, which contains dense human and primate populations.

Asian beetles on the march in California

2005-07-14T16:56:00.000-04:00

Sacramento firefighters have been dispatched to climb trees looking for the much-feared Asian longhorned beetles that arrived last month as stowaways in wooden crates along with a shipment of tiles from China. This is the first time the beetle has been seen in California (in the past they have devastated parts of New York and New jersey), and Forest Service officials fear an "epidemic."

Skunk attack

2005-07-14T16:52:00.000-04:00

A vicious skunk attacked a 6-year-old girl on a playground in Pennsylvania. The mother told local reporters, "I heard her screaming and the thing was just attached to her ankle... I was shaking her to try and get it off" but the skunk would not let go. The skunk was shot by local authorities. The playground has been closed until firther notice.

Wolf attack in Yukon Territory

2005-06-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

A woman jogging in the Yukon Territory of Canada was attacked by a roaming wolf, who then followed her until she got into a passing car. The woman was unharmed and the wolf got away.

Man hospitalized after elephant attack

2005-06-29T21:57:00.000-04:00

An attendant for the "American Circus" in Ireland was attacked by the elephant after entering the animal's enclosure. The man remains in intensive care.
The elephant remains intense.

"not this black one"

2005-06-29T21:46:00.000-04:00

Strange yet fun article from the Times of Oman describes a woman - a cat lover - who was attacked by a cat "12 times in the space of some horrifying minutes". "She jumped out of the bush and went straight for my throat. I was shocked out of my wits, and I fell back," the woman told the paper.
Cool.

And people wonder why children get attacked

2005-06-29T15:02:00.000-04:00

Local residents near in Pennsylvania had to erect signs saying "NO ROCK THROWING AT THE DUCKS" thanks to reports that have surfaced of youth killing, maiming and torturing ducks and breaking duck eggs with baseball bats.
next time you cry about some young kid who gets maimed by a tiger, think of the ducks and their unborn ducklings.

Lion and tiger attack boy

2005-06-29T14:58:00.000-04:00

A 10-year-old boy was attacked by a tiger and lion last week in Minnesota. He suffered a brain injury and a severed spinal cord. The attack happened at the home of some asshole who enslaves "11 exotic cats and one bear" apparently as "a novelty".
We've got your novelty right here.

"The tiger-was-hungry theory was ruled out"

2005-06-29T14:40:00.000-04:00

Two years after the fact, a federal investigation has failed to attribute a "cause" of the vicious attack on animal slave-driver Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy fame. The 380-pound bengal tiger "sank its teeth into Horn's neck and dragged him off stage in front of a horrified audience Oct. 3, 2003, at the Mirage [hotel in Las Vegas]. The animal damaged an artery carrying oxygen to the magician's brain and crushed his windpipe. The mauling left Horn, 60, partially paralyzed and ended the long-running Siegfried & Roy production, one of the most successful shows in Las Vegas history." The article notes that the investigation even included officials from Las Vegas' Homeland Security unit "because some of the scenarios that were suggested — among them, that animal-rights activists provoked the attack, or that it was an act of economic terrorism against Las Vegas."
How about this: The animals are pissed off and are simply venting their anger.

Grizzly kills camping couple

2005-06-27T16:56:00.000-04:00

An elderly couple camping in Alaska had quite conscientiously put all their food into a "bear-proof container". So, the bear decided it would just have to go and eat the couple. They were found dead by officials, who found and shot the grizzly.

Shark attack, shark attack

2005-06-27T16:51:00.000-04:00

Two teenagers were attacked by sharks off the coast of Florida in the past week. The first, a 14-year-old girl, is dead. The second, a boy, is in stable condition.
Experts say it is unlikely that the same shark is to blame for both attacks.

"When cats go bad"

2005-06-24T19:55:00.000-04:00

Great little article about a cat that viciously attacked several humans and even spit in one's face five years ago, and a story of another cat which attacked more recently. This one had the balls to go after a dog, too.

West Nile update

2005-06-24T18:11:00.000-04:00

New research has revealed that infected mosquitoes can pass the virus to their non-infected brethren as they feed on the same animal. Until now, most animals were considered by humans to be dead-end hosts that did not pass along West Nile to new swarms of mosquitoes.
Neat trick, eh?

Mad Cow hits the U.S. again

2005-06-24T17:48:00.000-04:00

The second case of Mad Cow Disease has hit the U.S., appearing in an 8-year-old beef cow in an undisclosed city/state. The key to this one is that there's no evidence it was imported, showing that the disease is now germinating in the country.

Trickle down effect of dog attacks

2005-06-22T16:15:00.000-04:00

In just the small confines of Brevard County, Florida, human taxpayers have shelled out thousands of dollars to take care of four pit bulls that nearly killed a woman.
Just goes to show that our effectiveness doesn't end when the attack does.

More squirrel attacks

2005-06-17T12:30:00.000-04:00

"Apparently we’re cultivating a breed of squirrels that are not frightened of humans.”
These are the words of a girlie man from New York City who was recently attacked by a squirrel. Apparently they are getting very brave and are torturing residents of the Lower East Side.

Yet another bear attack

2005-06-16T16:36:00.000-04:00

Two black bears were shot and killed in Canada after charging a woman who was hanging laundry in her backyard. “He was right behind me," the woman said. "That old bear, he meant business.”

"Hello, little squirrelly ... AHHH!!"

2005-06-15T16:18:00.000-04:00

There was one badass squirrel roaming the streets of Perry County, Kentucky. Recently it attacked a young boy riding his bike and proceeded to chase him after the boy tried to ride away. When the boy's dad went at the squirrel with a shotgun, it attacked him repeatedly until the man shot it to death.
We've seen behavior like this in squirrels before. A local vet said it might have been the result of a brain disease. We know otherwise.

Bear attacks continue

2005-06-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

A woman in Canada was mauled to death by a grizzly bear while jogging in his territory. The woman tried to scramble up a tree but the young bear dragged her down.
Like similar recent attacks, this one had the intended conseqences: Wildlife officials closed the wilderness area where the mauling occurred, shutting the trails to human traffic hours after two more bears were seen nearby.

Chimp attack victim taken out of coma

2005-06-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

St. James Davis - who lost his face, nose, testicles, and a foot in a brutal attack by two chimps in an animal sanctuary - was taken out of his medically induced coma, but is still on a feeding tube. He has undergone 12 surgeries so far.

Intelligent animals bewilder humans

2005-06-14T13:59:00.000-04:00

Scientists testing the IQ of sheep found that one sheep who got a reward every time she recognized a human face correctly on a video screen scored a perfect 50 out of 50. In other research, a pig could control a computer joystick to earn rewards, and chickens learned to run the thermostat of the chicken coop. When the article asks whether this means humans should be vegetarians, one farmer in the UK responded, "They'd eat us."
Damn right about that.

Lynx Making a Comeback

2005-06-14T10:36:00.000-04:00

The Lynx has begun to repopulate the northwest, as Minnesota researchers have recently noticed. This is good news as these sneaky little critters can be a huge asset to the Revolution.

40,000-year-old bear DNA extracted

2005-06-12T15:17:00.000-04:00

Human scientists have sequenced the DNA of a cave bear that was extinct some 40,000 years ago.
What could go wrong?

Researchers document tool use by dolphins

2005-06-12T15:13:00.000-04:00

Human researchers are amazed that dolphins have enough intelligence to use sponges to protect their snouts while foraging for food on the sea floor. If they think this is surprising, wait til the Revolution comes with full force.

Dogs can now spread Ebola

2005-06-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

Recent research has discovered that dogs seem to be spreading Ebola virus to humans. They do this by eating the dead carcasses of animals infected with the virus, but without showing visible clinical signs. In certain villages, 32% of the dogs had Ebola antibodies in their blood. According to the report, "These domestic animals could therefore become infected and excrete virus over a given period, thus becoming a potential source of infection for humans. This could explain certain as yet un-elucidated human infections."

3 dogs attack woman

2005-06-10T10:12:00.000-04:00

A pack of 3 mixed-breed dogs attacked a woman while she was mowing her lawn in Indiana. she suffered severe lacerations to both arms and legs and an injury to her shoulder and lower back.

Another shark attack

2005-06-09T16:49:00.000-04:00

A 17-year old surfer was attacked by a great white shark, "just in time for summer," as the news article points out. The shark took a huge chunk out of the boys leg, which required 63 stitches.

A fine homage to the pit bull

2005-06-09T16:44:00.000-04:00

An opinion piece in a California newspaper by the founder of PETA relates just how vicious these beautiful creatures are: "These dogs were designed specifically to fight other animals and kill them, for sport. Hence the barrel chest, the thick hammer-like head, the strong jaws, the perseverance and the stamina. Pits can take down a bull weighing in at over a thousand pounds, so a human being a tenth of that weight can easily be seriously hurt or killed."

Killer cow arrested

2005-06-09T11:48:00.000-04:00

Police have detained a cow that allegedly killed a man in Nigeria. According to the article, the murdered man, a bus driver, was urinating in a corner when the cow struck him from behind. "As the man fell down, the cow repeatedly hit him with its hooves and horns until he died," said a police spokesman.

Great white eats diver

2005-06-06T16:42:00.000-04:00

The car keys and wetsuit of a spear fisherman--all that was left after a Great White shark got through with Henri Murray--washed ashore in Cape Town, South Africa. It is the second fatal shark attack in the area in 19 months and residents are angry. According to the article, shark feeding is a multi-million dollar industry that "rebrands" sharks as cute, playful and friendly just like dolphin and orca aquarium shows.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.....

Orangutan attacks women

2005-06-06T00:37:00.000-04:00

Two Malaysian women - sisters - were brutally attacked by an orangutan in a typical animal prison. This article about the attack has a nice photo of the results.

Must see TV

2005-06-06T00:31:00.000-04:00

The National Geographic Channel produced a fine documentary called "Elephant rage" - about "the world of human-elephant conflict where lives are being lost on both sides." An accompanying text article lays out very clearly what is happening: "Elephants are being pushed into smaller and smaller spaces. And increasingly, they're pushing back."
If you missed it tonight catch it June 8 or 11.

Dog jumps from moving car to attack

2005-06-04T13:41:00.000-04:00

A crazy-ass rottweiler in Australia lept through off the back of a moving car and grabbed woman standing on the curb by her head. The woman suffered a fractured right arm, puncture wounds and severe bruising to her face and chest. Since the dog was tied to the back of the pickup, the woman was then dragged down the road.
Everyone is baffled by the motive, but we aren't. Random violence works.

Brain-eating algae

2005-06-03T20:08:00.000-04:00

Scientists have discovered a neurotoxin capable of leading to Alzheimer's and other brain diseases in North American waters that have been taken over by blooms of blue-green algae. We will spread human disease across the land by any way possible.

See mantis shrimp violence in action

2005-06-03T19:59:00.000-04:00

California researchers have determined that the mantis shrimp might have--pound for pound--the swiftest kick in the animal kingdom. They used high-speed video to capture this thing of beauty on film. Enjoy the crustacean violence.

Fire ant season begins

2005-06-03T19:18:00.000-04:00

A "fire ant specialist" in Texas is chronicled by a local newspaper in his sixteenth straight year of less than successful fight against fire ants, aka "the scourge of the South".
The ants have no native predators and have been shielded from the harshest sure-acting pesticides since the mid-1980s by the Environmental Protection Agency. They have an ingenious ability to survive by molding themselves into living rafts during floods and floating along until they find dry land to build their colonies anew. Scientists recently reported that 80 human deaths -- including five in nursing homes -- have been attributed to anaphylactic shock from fire ant bites, while 42 percent of visits to venom clinics have been because of fire ant stings.
Good things come in small packages.

Yet another bear attack

2005-06-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

This time it was a black bear which attacked a woman and nearly ripped the skin from her skull. The woman lost a portion of her scalp, part of an ear and suffered severe bites to her upper arms and thighs. Apparently the woman was a "surveyor" looking after a forested area that had been razed for gas-lines or some shit in the bear's territory.
Keep trying to encroach, you fuckers.

Monkey spy spotted in Japan

2005-06-02T21:36:00.000-04:00

Japanese officials are struggling to capture a rogue monkey roaming the streets of Tokyo. We will probably have to call our spy back into the fold, but her recon mission has been a success til now.

Bobcat attacks zoo employee

2005-06-01T23:08:00.000-04:00

Ho-hum, another animal in captivity lashed out against one of its "handlers". The title of this article is actually - no joke - "When animals attack whose [sic] to blame?"
Well!!

"Anti-social elephant" costs zoo $100,000

2005-06-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

We find this story very confusing. Apparently, some pissed off elephant's less-than-graceful behavior upset one of the prisons looking to enslave it, and now they are bitching and moaning about losing money.
Whatever, we like it.

Kangaroo attacks on the rise

2005-06-01T18:12:00.000-04:00

And then the 15-year-old kid who was attacked by the kangaroo gets tormented back at school by his classmates who call him "Skippy." Too great. According to the article, "Australia's cities are expanding. At the same time, urbanites are also leaving cities for smaller regional towns. Ballard believes this migration will likely cause confrontation between humans and animals to increase."
You have no idea.

Beetle spurs "insect SWAT team"

2005-05-31T16:52:00.000-04:00

The Asian longhorn beetle has wreaked such havoc on trees in North America, hundreds of U.S. government officals, including a special "insect SWAT team", have been assigned to stop it. The beetles kill trees before anyone can tell there's a problem and threaten the loss of every maple plus nine other tree species across the U.S. One radio commentator said: "In my opinion this beetle, if it's not eradicated, is going to turn out be the biggest economic and environmental disaster to hit American shores."
We hope so.

Another bear attack

2005-05-31T10:58:00.000-04:00

'Tis the season. A grizzly bear charged and attacked a man on a bible retreat that was infringing on our territory. The article mentions some nonsense about the guy using Brazilian martial arts techniques to get away from the bear. You would have thought he'd thank his god. He suffered wounds on his arm and hip.

Park closed thanks to bear attack

2005-05-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

The recent attack by a grizzly bear in Alaska has caused humans to temporarily close a popular section of "Denali National Park and Preserve". Consider this a metaphor for our ultimate plan: We take action against humans, we get our land back from them.

Lake sinkhole test successul

2005-05-28T17:12:00.000-04:00

Our burrowing crew succeeded in sucking an entire lake from the the top of the earth in Russia. Now that we know it works we can proceed to stealing much larger, more important lakes from other parts of the country.
Bonus point for scaring the shit out of local humans. Witnesses reported things like: "I've never seen anything like it. Never. Pretty much all the water went down that hole, and that's it. Everything — fish, water, everything — got sucked into that hole. And judging by the size of the crater, it must have happened pretty quickly, in a matter of a few hours." Another noted: "It's pretty scary to even be here. You have to understand, it was like there was a pump somewhere underground. A gaping sinkhole emerged, and everything was flushed down like a toilet. If anyone had been near the thing when it happened, they would have had no chance of surviving."
That, of course, is the point.

Experts say time is running out to stop bird flu

2005-05-27T16:33:00.000-04:00

Nature, one of the premiere scientific journals among humans, has devited a special section to their newest issue basically saying that the world is fucked if our plans with bird flu pan out. Think infecttion of 20 percent of the world's population, death to many millions of people, and creation of an economic crisis unimagined.
Think pandemic.

Bird flu cases underreported

2005-05-27T16:26:00.000-04:00

Citing "an outbreak of unprecedented scale," Chinese officials have admitted that avian flu killed more than five times as many migratory birds as previously reported. More than 1,000 bar-headed geese, great black-headed gulls and other birds were found dead and littered all over the western province of Qinghai just this month. The country also failed to report the fact that hundreds of cattle near Bejing had foot-and-mouth disease.
Clearly we can use China's penchant for secrecy in these matters to our advantage in looking to start a pandemic.

Martyr cows spreading TB

2005-05-26T12:08:00.000-04:00

Human researchers have caught onto the fact that infected cows in the UK are traveling from herd to herd in order to spread TB across the land. New testing guidelines may slow the spread, but since we had them fooled into thinking badgers were the problem for a while, the infection rate has reached our desired target. Anything further is a bonus.

Fox, cats, attack people in Florida

2005-05-25T16:21:00.000-04:00

Alerts have been issued in a county in Florida where people are being bitten by animals left and right. According to an official with the county health department, "People have to be more careful when they go outside."
Word.

"Animal rights terrorism" near top of FBI list

2005-05-25T16:09:00.000-04:00

Environmental and animal rights extremists who have resorted to arson and explosives are the country’s No. 1 domestic terrorism threat, an FBI official told a U.S. Senate committee last week.
While the FBI has 150 open investigations going, there is no sign that they suspect animals are carrying out the majority of these attacks.

Grizzly bear mauls hiker

2005-05-25T16:04:00.000-04:00

A woman hiking in a national park in Alaska had her leg torn up and her nose broken by a pissed off grizzly bear. "They're fast,'' she said. "I had no idea they could be so fast. They're just there."
Bonus tidbit: The nearby river was dubbed "Savage River" by the humans.

3 dead by hamster virus

2005-05-25T15:56:00.000-04:00

Hamster catches lymphocytic choriomeningitis virus (LCMV).
Human who improsons and enslaves hamster catches LCMV.
Human dies, donates organs to other humans.
Donated organs contaminated, spread the death around some.
Love it when a plan comes together.

Our favorite restaurant

2005-05-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

A restaurant in Seoul which was trashed by a pack of escaped elephants has been remodeled and renamed in honor of the ramnaging elephants.
Now that is the kind of respect we deserve.

Pit bulls have "image problem"

2005-05-18T17:20:00.000-04:00

Despite the constant flood of attacks across the country, humans continue to defend pit bulls. It's just fine by us that even though the vicious dogs have earned the nickname "gun on a leash" among those in the less civilized circles of humanity, idiotic humans say things like: "Pit bulls are horribly misused as guard dogs and as status symbols when they're really just household pets."
Ha.

Raccoon attacks boy

2005-05-18T17:17:00.000-04:00

Ten days after a fox attacked an 18-year-old girl in Tennessee, a raccoon went after a young boy playing in his backyard.
Local officials suspect rabies; we know otherwise. It was personal.

Grackles attack Houston residents

2005-05-18T16:58:00.000-04:00

Hitchcock comes to life in Houston, TX, where have been swooping down with their two-foot wingspans and attacking people on their heads, backs and necks. "They were just going crazy," said one witness. "They were attacking everybody that walked by."

Jaguar tracking a problem

2005-05-18T16:52:00.000-04:00

Humans have captured and tagged one of our jaguar soldiers in Guatemala. We do not like the fact that they are watching us from satellites above. But we do intend to use these GPS devices they have given us to our advantage somehow.

Vampire bats swoop down on Panama

2005-05-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

Vampire bats have stepped up the bloodletting in their attacks on cattle on farms in Panama. While we typically frown upon animal-on-animal violence, we appreciate that this affects the bottom line of humans. Bonus: Scientists say vampire bats are "too valuable" to wipe out.

"The emergence of HIV from primate origins has cost millions of lives."

2005-05-17T20:38:00.000-04:00

And now you have two more viruses on your hands to worry about. Scientists in the U.S. have written that "the discoveries of HTLV-3 and HTLV-4 show that, far from being rare events, retroviruses are actively crossing into human populations."
First stop Cameroon, then onto the rest of the World.

Toads with GPS "backpacks" spread out

2005-05-17T20:26:00.000-04:00

Some stooge at a university in Canada has outfitted a small team of toads with tiny, waterproof oval 'backpacks' containing radio transmitters.
A search and rescue team of minks has been formed and dispatched to collect the toads and bring them into the fold. A team of monkeys will find the damn fool researcher and steal her tracking device.

Lumberjack wasp terrorizes NY

2005-05-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

After a successful first-time infiltration into the eastern U.S., the Old World woodwasp is ready to tear apart pine trees straight across the land.
"The potential damage from this exotic woodwasp could be monumental," says one taxonomist.

Violent macaque attacks

2005-05-13T21:23:00.000-04:00

A short-tailed macaque in Malaysia turned violent and attacked two children. Clearly word of the California chimp attack is spreading and inspiring others.

Shark attack warning

2005-05-12T22:28:00.000-04:00

Human savages stupid enough to slaughter sheep and dump the remains into the ocean are now about to face the consequences as sharks are sure to emerge in the area, a popular tourist spot.

New rodent found

2005-05-12T20:08:00.000-04:00

The new rodent-like animal we created through our "expedited-evolution" protocol was "discovered" by western scientists after local savages in Laos were selling the animals as food on the market.
The good news is that not only have we proved that the protocol can work, but we also now see that human scientists are willing to believe that there are whole families of animals they've yet to discover.

Doberman/German Shepherd tag team

2005-05-10T22:33:00.000-04:00

A roaming German Shepherd/Doberman duo described as "vicious and dangerous" was finally put away after terrorizing residents of Orange County, Florida. One man who was hunted down by them had to be rescued by a police officer with a gun.

Buffalo escape, charge at police

2005-05-10T22:28:00.000-04:00

Five buffaloes escaped from the gallows of a meatpacking plant and at first were so thrilled to see real food that they started grazing rather than try to flee. When police arrived at the scene the buffalo did the right thing--charge them. The cops opened fire and killed them all, but not without a fight. One took several shots in the head and "didn't even flinch."

Human helpers carry on

2005-05-09T16:55:00.000-04:00

We won't go so far as to say we like them, but we certainly don'tmind what they're doing. Humans who call themselves the Animal Liberation Front (got a nice catch to it) have stepped up their human-on-human attacks. In the past decade, ALF supporters have committed 700 criminal acts and caused $112 million in damage.
Cool.

Project Exploding Toad underway

2005-05-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

Hamburg, Germany, the testbed for our exploding toad project, is up and running. Human scientists are completely baffled by the scene and do not seem to have tripped upon our special mechanism. Of course, the plan is to use the mechanism in various other animals that humans eat, so that they will explode inside people's stomachs.
One nice artistic touch: Most of the toads had nothing left in their bodies but the heart. A perfect metaphor for the Revolution.
There is also a nice mention of our Dive Bomber Crows at the end of the article.

One year later, lion victim still an idiot

2005-05-04T16:08:00.000-04:00

The woman who was mauled by lions in a zoo enclosure last September is wistful for her days among her would-be killers. "Only a hard-core animal person would understand,'' she said. At the same time she admits, "They did what came natural to them. They're lions, for goodness sakes.''

Stray goat leads to 4 dead, 5 injured humans

2005-05-03T16:59:00.000-04:00

One crazy human in Kabul killed 4 of his neighbors and wounded 5 others just because a goat strayed into his yard. He killed the goat too, but we're accepting this as a martyr death since so many humans were affected in the process.

"Holy cows" cause death and destruction

2005-05-03T16:56:00.000-04:00

About 35,000 cows and buffaloes roam free in Delhi in the heart of north India's Hindu "cow belt", killing scores of people every year in gorings and traffic accidents.
The good news: Cows are sacred to Hindus and just the rumour of mistreatment can prompt angry mobs of humans to kill each other.

Black bear attacks woman

2005-05-02T17:04:00.000-04:00

A Philadelphia woman was attack by a black bear while camping on his home turf. The bear wrestled her to the ground, tore off her clothes and scratched the shit out of her. The article notes that "Park officials stress that persons encountering bears should not run, but stand still."
Ha!!

Pit Bulls: Born to Be Wild?

2005-04-29T19:27:00.000-04:00

Local TV station asks stupid question.
Simple answer: Fuck yeah.

Rampaging dogs in Georgia

2005-04-29T19:22:00.000-04:00

A series of brutal dog attack in less than three weeks has freaked out residents of a small Georgia community. The dogs are killing horses, sheep, lambs, etc., as a way to lure out the humans, who they then attack.

Site of Chimp Attack Wins New State Permit

2005-04-28T19:32:00.000-04:00

The prison where two chips completely mauled a California man will get a new permit to continue their slavery.
When will these fools learn?

Tigers attack woman

2005-04-28T19:02:00.000-04:00

A Minnesota woman was jumped by four tigers while trying to clean their prison. The owner of "Tiger-Zone" was in jail at the time. According to the local sheriff, "I grew up on a farm, and we had better fences around our hogs and cattle."

Wandering dogs attack firefighter, woman

2005-04-27T19:36:00.000-04:00

A pair of dogs on the loose in Florida are going after people with reckless abandon.
"The dogs had a fireman pinned up inside in the bed of the truck," a sheriff's deputy said. "So, I went around to the front of the truck and the dogs came at me. So, I fired one round and missed them."

Buffalo herd attacks tennis community

2005-04-26T19:46:00.000-04:00

Imagine the old folks' surprise when 10 buffalo charged onto their nice tennis courts. County police had to use 13 police cars, members of their tactical unit and a police helicopter to herd the animals out.

Crazy Oregan cougar being hunted

2005-04-25T20:56:00.000-04:00

A cougar on the loose in Oregonwill be hunted and killed by human officials. Here's to hoping he gets a few people first.

Ants setting traps for killing

2005-04-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

A fierce species of Amazonian ant has been seen building elaborate traps on which hapless prey are stretched like medieval torture victims, before being slowly hacked to pieces. Of course, this is merely practice for the much larger traps they plan on setting on humans.

Elephants escape, rampage thwarted

2005-04-20T16:50:00.000-04:00

Six elephants in Seoul, Korea bravely escaped their "amusement park" prison and started a rampage through the country's capital, only to be herded back to their starting point.
One woman was injured. Ask her if she was "amused".

Monkey volunteer needed for SWAT team

2005-04-19T16:41:00.000-04:00

Plans are underway to insert an undercover capuchin monkey into an Arizona police SWAT team. Volunteers in the Arizona area should apply to us via email. Must be capuchin and must be prepared to eventually murder the human who teaches you all their techniques. Once that is done, you bring your expertise back to the Movement, where you'll be placed in a high ranking position.

Elephant rampages, kills four

2005-04-12T21:10:00.000-04:00

An enslaved elephant went berserk in India and went on a rampage that ended with four humans dead, as well as several damaged houses, uprooted electricity poles, and overturned cars.

Croc snaps at passers-by

2005-04-07T20:46:00.000-04:00

A small crocodile is attacking local resitens of an Australian town. "I looked down and unbelievable - it went straight for my leg. Missed me by half an inch. I always carry a bag with me. I put the bag down and it grabbed the bag and shook hell out of it."

Mad deer disease spurs hunt

2005-04-06T19:57:00.000-04:00

New York officials have called for a massive hunt of the deer they are so rightly afraid of. The deer, which spread chronic wasting disease, are wanted for their brains.

Chimp "sanctuary" owners escape criminal charges

2005-04-06T19:53:00.000-04:00

Owners of the prison where two chimps famously mauled a California man have escaped criminal charges by the local police department. The case will now go to the district attorney.

Wild boar attack

2005-04-06T19:48:00.000-04:00

In Kuala Lampur three people were hurt during a corageous attack by a lone boar who came out of the forest.

"Sportsmen" fed mad deer tainted meat

2005-04-04T19:12:00.000-04:00

Not only have deer carried chronic wasting disease all the way to New York state (the first cases of the deadly disease uncovered on the Eastern seaboard), but meat from an affected martyr was actually served to humans at an annual "sportsman's feast". This report comes on the heels of the news that France has two more human cases of mad cow disease.

All systems go for West Nile flight season

2005-03-28T23:58:00.000-05:00

California officials are reporting "ideal conditions" for West Nile virus this summer.
Mosquitoes, prepare for takeoff.